My first outing as a couple without the baby: the debate in 2 need and guilt

Sooner or later all of us mothers end up going through the difficult step of going out for the first time one night (or one afternoon) without our baby, the center of our lives since birth, accompanying us.

One thing is having to leave him with another person to go to the doctor or to work, in which the guilt has no place because you do it out of obligation (although the sadness for separating from him does) and, quite another, to leave him with the grandparents or uncles to enjoy a dinner with friends or some time alone with your partner. Only a bad mother would do that!

In my case at least, I delayed the moment as much as possible, although I recognize that I was exhausted after so many weeks living with and for my daughter, and without time or desire to talk to her father about other matters than “she has done so many poops”, “today she has slept so many hours” … As in the case of all new parents, our little girl occupied all our thoughts.

Until, after much debate between guilt and necessity , the date came when apologies no longer had a place and I decided to throw myself into the void. One day it had to be the first.

Oposite feelings

I remember it was Tuesday in the Country in Oviedo, a date to share with friends and none of them were parents yet, so they insisted a lot that we spend some time with them and thus, by the way, “me clear up” . That’s what they called it. And I inside thinking “what do they know? My daughter doesn’t bother me and I don’t need time without her.”

But I admit that inside I missed laughter with adults, spontaneous hugs and passionate kisses with my husband. But I did not dare to verbalize it, I did not want others (or even myself) to label me a bad mother and selfish.

So we marked June 2 on the calendar (four months after her birth) and I got more and more nervous as the day got closer. I started pumping milk two days before and freezing it, in case I didn’t have enough to eat (as if I was going to be away for a week and it was only a few hours) and I explained to my mother a thousand times where everything was, what I had to do if totally hypothetical (and almost impossible) situations happened. Even walking out the door of the house, I kept insisting that if I didn’t see it clearly, I stayed, that I didn’t care. Check out more interesting articles on our site Zanaee.

And when he got tired of repeating a thousand times that everything was going to be fine, I would attack again:

“She is still very little, she needs me, so if you see that she cries a lot or is restless, please call me and I will come immediately.”

But it didn’t happen, he didn’t call me, and I was the one who dialed the phone every half hour (or even less).

I still remember how strange I felt when I got to the house where we met, how difficult it was for me to disconnect and talk about trivial things… I just wanted to tell everyone how perfect and wonderful my girl was and I didn’t understand how her father could laughing and fitting in so well with our friends without remembering our daughter.

I thought: “this world is no longer for me, I no longer fit in here”.

In fact, after my mother told me for the umpteenth time that Kenya was fine, that she had eaten, passed gas, and slept like an angel, I fell asleep. I felt so out of place that I announced that I was tired from so many days without sleep, that I was going to lie down for a while upstairs and that I would be down in half an hour.

The funny thing is that I was really tired , but I didn’t keep my promise to go down in half an hour but my partner woke me up because they had heard me scream. Who guesses the plot of the nightmare? Indeed: I dreamed that my daughter was crying and I had taken her pacifier and because she had gone out she couldn’t calm her down. I really was a woman’s nightmare! Who would want to be with me?

Better a dinner for two

At that point, my husband and I decided to leave and not “make the day sour” for our friends. Although they insisted that we stay, I was so embarrassed about giving the note that I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and go home to my girl, which is where I belonged.

But your father had other plans for me. While on the way in the car I kept repeating that this had been a mistake, that I should have stayed at home taking care of my baby, that it was my obligation, he didn’t say a word. Until we got into an underground car park in the center of Oviedo.

There she explained to me that she had spoken with my mother and they had agreed that it was better that she not return home with a bad experience, that the girl was calm and happy. She had booked a table at a restaurant we used to go to before we became parents and she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I protested, but I liked that he cared about me and let me pamper… luckily. I am not going to deceive anyone by assuring that the evening was perfect, because when we sat at the table I did not know what to talk about with him, except about the girl, about the luck we had had with her, if tomorrow I had to take her for a check-up, that if in the summer we could go on vacation to his parents’ house…

But I don’t know exactly when, it made me laugh and we started talking about ourselves , about our needs as a couple, about how we had put aside the passion we felt for being parents…

Without realizing it, I stopped being aware of the mobile.

We left there hugging each other, kissing and promising each other that we would repeat an outing together and alone shortly. It was him and me again, and a little person at home whom we adored. But also, him and me.

I learned my lesson with my second son

Those first times are surprising, but sometimes also hard. Especially when it comes to debuting in motherhood. So much waiting to go out for the first time as a couple without my baby, and so many fears and insecurities, and when it finally happened, the experience was so gratifying that its effects lasted for days and it served as a lesson to escape when we saw that there was no conversation between us. .

I am aware that not everyone shares the idea of ​​doing things without their children, that they prefer to always have them by their side, that the same things can be done as a couple and with children, and even at home, when they go to bed.

I accept it and understand that everyone is free to educate as they want or think is best. But I need to continue maintaining my own plot for the couple, to feel like a woman, a friend as well as a mother. My family is my life, but I know myself and I wouldn’t be able to move on if, even from time to time, I don’t disconnect from my obligations. I know that many people are going to criticize me, they are going to brand me as a bad mother, insensitive… but I don’t care anymore.

I have matured as a person and a mother and I ignore criticism.

I believe that everyone has to find the best way to take care of their children, even if that means not having them hanging from their skirts all day so that they can repeat “they don’t know how to live without me”.

In fact, having learned the lesson, when my little son was born and I verified that he was a healthy baby and that he was picking up his routines, I left him and his sister with my mother to go out to eat with his father. I was only a month old, but I didn’t feel guilty. He had been working hard for months, until the day of delivery, and he had not had time to rest: with a newborn, a little girl and self-employment, the days were very full.

And we keep looking for our time until fate took it from us. But that is another story. And, in case you are wondering, my children were not traumatized by being left at home : they are very affectionate with me, but also very independent, they have real friends, they have never hesitated to sleep over at other children’s houses because they missed me and In general, I think they are happy. At least that’s what they convey to me.

So, if you’re at that stage in your motherhood where you’re still wondering if it’s okay to “give up” your baby to go out with your partner, my answer is that you’re not doing her any harm. You have the rest of the days to listen to him, hug him, accompany him and make him feel supported and loved. Although of course, it’s just my mother’s opinion.